


Broken Hallelujah

by SennaLaureen



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Proceed with caution, Torture, hurt!Benji, spoilers for Fallout!, takes place directly after Fallout
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-06-21 18:36:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15563970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SennaLaureen/pseuds/SennaLaureen
Summary: Having that one last conversation with Julia lifted a weight off Ethan's shoulders, and like a deep breath of fresh air, allowed him to realize that he was in love with someone else for a long time already. But before Ethan could make the first step, Benji was gone.





	1. Chapter 1

Usually, Ethan doesn't remember much of that happens after a mission. The adrenaline wears off, and he considers himself lucky, if he is in a safe place, because the world around him becomes blurry, probably both as a result of exhaustion and sleep deprivation, the voices reach his mind from another dimension, and he can barely function, his body and mind no longer able to stay awake. Saving the world from a nuclear catastrophe in Kashmir was no different, except for one detail: the weight Ethan didn't know he carried on his shoulders all those years since he last saw Julia, finally didn't weigh him down anymore. He couldn't start deciphering that though, before the sleep claimed him for the entirety of their flight back to United States.

~~~

Compared to all the preceding years, Ethan's world changed drastically within mere months following the mission in Kashmir.

First step was the realization, that he was in love for a very long time, but this feeling was silenced by the weight that was gone now. It felt like taking a deep breath of fresh air after being stuck in a dusty room for too long.

Ethan was in love, and it felt like someone turned back on the colors in his life.

Second step was overcoming the fear. Ethan estimated the probability of his feelings being reciprocated at about ten percent. What if he was about to ruin the deep friendship he had with Benji?

And then were was the fear deeply ingrained in Ethan: what if he allows this, and - in case the aforementioned ten percent turn out to be true - it has consequences for both of them, IMF itself being the least of his enemies, various criminal organizations and individuals, that wish nothing more than to settle a score with Ethan being the biggest? Everyone knows that the best way to get revenge on someone, manipulate someone, enslave someone is to hurt their beloved ones. That was something Ethan already learned the hard way.

While spending more time with Benji than before, watching him laugh, applaud enthusiastically, violate the controller, play guitar, eat at expensive restaurants and fast food chains, get drunk, telling Ethan various stories from other missions and his time as a tech, Ethan wrestled with his demons, trying in vain to overcome this paralyzing fear. He couldn't let anything happen to Benji. A mere thought made his skin crawl. Sometimes his imagination ran riots with him, and these were the times when Ethan couldn't help himself walking closer to Benji, scanning the surroundings, calling him in the middle of the night, his heart skipping a beat at Benji's voice, while he frantically made up a believable reason for calling. Ethan knew Benji was a great agent, and could take care of himself, but he just couldn't drop it. Not helpful was the urge to be closer to Benji, to put an arm around his shoulders. To never stop looking into the warm eyes surrounded by laughter lines. To close his arms around Benji and never let him go.

In retrospect, these months were the happiest in Ethan's life in a long time. The only thing he regretted, was not coming around to tell Benji how he felt.

~~~

If Ethan could think clearly right now, he would laugh at his ability, - a talent even! - to repeat his mistakes, to fail people, who meant the world to him. Again, again, again and again.

But he couldn't think straight, because Benji's comm broke off 3 minutes and 41 seconds ago, while Ethan still had to fight three of the security guards off. The room where Benji was working on hacking the database was empty and Ethan had no idea why. He had no idea where Benji disappeared seconds after he successfully hacked the database and forwarded the information to IMF. Ethan didn't know, who took Benji, where, or why, and the absolute lack of a trace, and thus of an action plan rendered Ethan motionless for an agonizing moment. He stood there, watching Benji's laptop, still connected to the database, absolutely untouched, and he didn't know what to do. The organization they were up against this time was already defeated, IMF already on their way to dismantle it, Ethan's team did the job thoroughly. And yet Benji wasn't there, and Ethan couldn't think, he couldn't move, he couldn't breathe. His eyes glued to Benji's laptop, he felt utterly empty.

Ethan knew that feeling. It was the same emtiness and hopelessness that overcame him, when he realized that Julia was gone. But he knew at least, who took her, and worked from there. No searching the area or the laptop gave Ethan and Luther any indication, what happened with his owner. It seemed like Benji pressed the last button in order to transmit the data and then just vanished into thin air. No struggle, no trace of a fight, no other indication as to what happened here.

While he and Luther frantically searched the surroundings, Ethan suppressed the otherwhelming feeling of guilt. He was caught in the fight with the guards, because he unintentionally drew their attention - something that shouldn't happen to a seasoned agent like him. He lost precious time, and wouldn't have made it, so Benji improvised and left his position to extract the information himself. Benji went out there, because Ethan fucked up, and now Benji was gone, and Ethan didn't even have a clue what to do. If the kidnapper wanted something, he or she would have already made contact with Ethan, yet both their phones remained silent.

They didn't find anything, neither did the IMF team, that arrived half an hour later. No traces, no clues, no messages.

No Benji.

~~~

Almost six months later Ethan woke up from his not at all restful sleep, his gun automatically in his hand. A quick search of the small flat showed that there was noone there, though. Ethan gave up on sleep, and dropped on the windowsill, watching Washington by night from a big window high up.

It's been six months since his teammate, best friend, and the person Ethan was secretly in love with disappeared without a trace. Six months of exhausting any possibility, of travelling the world, chasing a non-existent hope. Six months of Luther unsuccessfully running several face-recognition systems all around the world. Six months since IMF declared their agent Benji Dunn "presumed dead" and closed the case.

Ethan ran the same chain of thought again and again. Either Benji was dead, or he was alive. As strange as it was, Ethan considered the first as the better option, because if Benji was alive...

At this point Ethan always struggled, because imagining it made him want to scream his lungs out. If Benji wasn't dead, then he was held prisoner somewhere, most likely tortured for information. And that for six months already.

He knew that if he managed to escape, Benji would return to them, or at least find a way to send some sort of a message, letting him and Luther know. Of this Ethan was absolutely sure. He also knew that Benji didn't betray any of the classified information to anyone yet, because Ethan and Luther kept tabs on all projects Benji was involved in. None of them were compromised yet, which meant that Benji still resisted, and thus was still being tortured.

His nightmare from last night and all the nights before came back. Completely paralyzed, he stared at Benji, who looked at him pleadingly, desperate even, saying something Ethan couldn't hear. Suddenly, were was a dark figure behind Benji' back. Ethan tried to scream, to warn him, but couldn't move a muscle. The figure came closer, and Benji suddenly cried out in pain, his face contorted. He was calling Ethan's name, again and again, while the figure dragged him away, and Ethan could only watch.

He looked at the horizont. Benji, his Benji, genuine, honest and loyal Benji, who always looked up to Ethan, who always trusted Ethan with his life, was somewhere out there, alone, in pain, abandoned by his friends. Abandoned by Ethan.

His vision got blurred. After six months Ethan thought he had no tears left anymore. He was wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so-so much to every person who commented on my first chapter, and who left kudos!

He didn’t know how long he’s been there already. It felt like decades.

During his periods of consciousness - few and far between - he only had a couple of minutes before his captors caught on him and continued their attempts on getting the information out of him. They wore masks, spoke in an Asian language with each other and in acceptable English with him. There was not much he could conclude from their demands: they wanted the details of an old IMF project, that was closed a while ago, and no matter how long Benji went over the desired information and anything remotely close to this project, he didn’t know why they needed it, thus he couldn’t conclude who they were.

They tried countless “interrogation” methods, even ones Benji never heard about. Sometimes he even managed to detach himself from his broken body, and watch with interest, - admire even! - the precision with which they performed their task. But more often he screamed, until his either his lungs gave out or his vocal cords. Or he passed out. And next time he came to himself, the cycle started over.

He wouldn’t break, he told himself, though it was harder every time. He knew that Ethan would come for him, eventually. His trust in his friend was that prevented him from ending it of his own accord, from refusing the so-called “food” and moldy water he was getting, barely enough to keep him alive. But he ate and drank, and hoped that Ethan was on his way.

But time was passing by and his captors were getting desperate. Benji didn’t know how long he would be able to hold on. Ethan certainly took his time. His shimmer of hope was getting smaller every day.

At some point it occurred to Benji, that maybe Ethan was either captured too, dead, or he didn’t know where Benji was. The first two options made Benji nauseous, and he quickly locked them away deep in his mind. The last option was… likely. They never dealt with this organization as far as Benji could tell, and the project they continuously asked him about shouldn’t be of interest to any of IMF’s immediate enemies, past or present. On the other hand, it meant that Ethan wouldn’t come for him. Ever.

Benji didn’t know that made him cling to life, after it was almost clear that Ethan wouldn’t come anymore. But the small shimmer of hope inside him refused to cease.

He often would zoom out completely, imagining himself back home, with Ethan and others. At first, these were disconnected moments, constructed from memories, but soon enough these dreams, his way of escaping the unbearable reality, of surviving, became one prolonged episode.

Ethan laughing at his joke. Ethan watching him with a soft smile across his lips. Ethan’s arm around his shoulders. Ethan’s presence, strong and reassuring. Ethan’s warm voice. Their fingers accidentally touching, as they grabbed their beer bottles at the same time. Ethan playing video games with and against him. Ethan’s eyes on him, framed by laugher lines, radiating warmth.

These were only memories from the months after Kashmir. Ethan started spending considerably more time with him, it didn’t escape Benji, yet he refused to read anything into it. The thought that Ethan, THE Ethan, would be interested in him beyond friendship was… absurd. Laughable. Whenever this persistent idea came up, as a follow-up to something Ethan did or said, Benji discarded it, and scolded himself for even considering it. He always had a big fat crush on Ethan - he didn’t dare think of it as “being in love”! -, but this was real life, and Ethan was probably just happy to have survived another hard mission, and was having fun with one of his close friends. That was all. No need to read anything into it, you idiot, or do you want your heart to be broken?…

But soon enough Benji’s mind, in its desperate attempt to escape reality, moved from memories to Benji’s deepest desires.

Ethan sleeping next to him, bathed in sunlight on a early Sunday morning. His black hair ruffled, his hand firmly holding Benji’s wrist. He is watching him, admiring his relaxed expression, and he doesn’t dare move lest Ethan wakes up from his light sleep. But Ethan opens his eyes anyway, and upon meeting Benji’s gaze his lips form a sleepy smile - a smile that makes Benji’s heart skip a beat, and fills his stomach with butterflies, like he was a goddamn teenager in love. He wants to say something, to move closer, but…

…brutal pain tears him away from the dream and he screams, screams, screams.

~~~

“…ji! Benji! Wake up!”

He opens his eyes, and grunts in pain, as he becomes immediately aware of his tortured body. But the agony quickly moves to the background, as Benji recognizes Ethan’s face hovering above him, and his heart skips a beat.

He can’t believe it for a moment. He made peace with not being rescued a long time ago. Is it his mind playing tricks on him? Is it the new level of escaping reality? If yes, his mind is apparently as cruel as his torturers.

“Benji! We need to go, now! Can you walk?”

Thanks to IMF field agent training, Benji quickly put aside all the confusing feelings - surprise, disbelief, sheer happiness that Ethan of all people came for him at last, fatigue from the endless torture - and concentrated on moving the few muscles, that were still intact.

At first, it seemed that he wouldn’t be able to walk at all. On top of having been tortured and thus having several broken bones, sprained wrist, and torn muscles, malnourished and dehydrated, Benji also felt nauseous, which could only mean a brain concussion. As soon as he managed to lift himself up a little, his cell started spinning.

_I don’t wanna know how I look like right now. How embarrassing that Ethan had to see me like that._

_Focus!_

Ethan supported him by wrapping Benji’s arm around his shoulders and taking on his weight, yet it was still infinitely hard to make his legs work. But the slowly sinking realization, that Ethan was were, he came for me, everything is going to be fine! provided Benji with the necessary strength and adrenaline to ignore the pain and start moving towards the grill door.

During his entire capture Benji never has been outside of his cell, not in conscious state at least. Now Ethan dragged him along the curved corridor with stony walls and dim lightbulbs hanging from the ceiling. The interior looked like a European world war bunker.

“There is a plane outside waiting for us! We need to make it!”

Ethan grabbed Benji’s sprained wrist tighter and a shot of pain ran up his arm. The corridor seemed to be endless, and Benji's legs were about to give out. Considering his state, it was a wonder that the adrenaline surge kicked in at all, let alone lasted that long.

“Ethan… please, I need a moment…”, for the first time since he was kidnapped, he talked instead of screaming, and Benji didn’t recognize the rasping sounds coming out of his mouth.

“We are almost there, c’mon!” Ethan mercilessly dragged him along, and soon they stood in front of a massive metal door. Ethan pushed it with his shoulder and it opened, revealing the stairs leading up. A breeze of fresh air caressed Benji’s face.

_Almost there!_

Soon, he would be back home, with Ethan and the others, and this nightmare would end forever.

Euphoric, his heart hammering against his ribcage in almost unbearable relief, Benji pulled himself together, and soon they reached the top of the stairs. Another metal door swung open, and suddenly there was sunshine on his face, and his hair was moved by the wind from the turbine of the small civilian plane waiting for them on the landing platform.

Benji couldn’t see who was piloting the machine. They hastily climbed inside, and the plane took off immediately.

Ethan helped Benji on one of the seats, and took one opposite to him.

“How did you find me, Ethan?… What happened?…How long have I been there?...”

Ethan leaned forward, beaming, and squeezed Benji's shoulder. "It was pure luck, that we found you! We were on a mission, and suddenly there was you! Benji, everything is gonna be fine from now on, you are safe! We are on our way home!"

Hearing those words from Ethan, Benji let out a deep sigh. It was over.

_It was finally over._

Ethan grabbed a laptop next to him.

"We had the information, that the Project Southern Eagle was about to be compromised by the small terrorist group in Kasachstan, yet we didn't have any additional information! Our mission was to infiltrate the group and find out how much they knew already, and eliminate them, if necessary! But then I saw you in that cell and everything made sense: you were going to be their source of information!" Ethan laughed.

“Benji, as you know, IMF changed the access codes for this project after it was completed, but shortly before you were kidnapped, someone hacked the IMF database and reset the access codes. Now not even IMF itself has access to their own military bunker. You were the only tech agent, that was involved in this, so you are basically the only one, who knows the codes. Our mission is to retrieve the sensitive information and equipment from South Africa and bring it back to USA. Benji, do you remember the access codes for the bunker in South Africa, encrypted coordinates 692:461?”

Ethan's fingers bored into Benji's upper arms, urging him to answer.

Benji closed his eyes, trying to remember, but he was too tired, too broken. Besides, something else manifested at the back of his mind: his sixth sense was going through the roof.

_You are being paranoid._

But...

_You've been in that cell for too long. Now you just can't process, that you are going home._

But...

_Ethan is here._

Ethan.

Benji was infinitely happy to see the other again. Ethan's warm eyes bored into his in anticipation. Benji took the beloved features in, and discarded his paranoia.

Acess codes... Southern Eagle... Southern Africa... Acess codes... Southern Eagle... Southern Africa...

Ache throbbed in his skull, but no matter how hard he tried to remember, he couldn't.

"Ethan, I'm sorry, but I just can't remember right now. Maybe if you give me one night's sleep..." The shame of having disappointed Ethan stung way more painful than any of the torture he was put through in the last... however long it was.

Ethan's fingers bored uncomfortably into Benji's arms.

"Benji, you don't understand! If we don't retrieve that's in that bunker...!"

Benji grimaced, trying to remember.

"Ethan, I... I'm really sorry!... O... on the other hand, if your laptop is connected to the headquarters, I could try to reconstruct the correct codes...!"

Ethan's hands were on his throat, cutting off his windpipe, and Benji yelped. He instinctively tried to pry the hands off him, but his sprained wrist exploded in agony, and Benji's vision blurred.

What was Ethan doing?! Through tears in his eyes, he recalled the vision of Ethan softly smiling at him from across the diner table, but the memory faded, replaced by the cruel, vitriolic expression on the exact same face in front of him.

"Tell me the access code, now!"

"TELL ME!"

Everything went black.

~~~

The consciousness slowly returned to Benji in his old cell, the dim light of the lightbulb illuminating his surroundings.

His mind adjusted to the situation for a few moments, like it wasn't ready to face that happened, wasn't ready to admit that was lost.

There was a void inside him, where previously was that small, but persistent shimmer of hope in the face of a man smiling at him in countless situations. Benji took a sharp breath through his teeth and concentrated, but every memory he had of Ethan was replaced by screaming, hatefully contorted face, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring back the memories that kept him alive for so long.

He didn't know, whether there was anyone around, who could hear the desperate scream, could see his tears, and he didn't care. Not anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all wonderful people, who commented and left kudos - thank you so so much for your support!!! I hope you will continue enjoying my fic! I'm always open to criticism as well!

There was a time when Ethan retired from the active duty, and trained new agents instead. Now Ethan wouldn't pass on any of the offered missions, no matter how easy or difficult they were. He was everywhere, didn't give himself even the mandatory week's rest in between. Sometimes, the IMF would persuade their best agent to stay at home, but soon they realized that Ethan was better off doing something than sitting at home, and they dropped the matter. Luther knew for sure that their human resources kept an eye on Ethan, but there wasn't much they could do besides refer Ethan to a therapist, and even they weren't that stupid. Besides, with Ethan working 24/7, IMF registered an outstanding success rate, and only Luther and Brandt actually worried about their friend.

Luther was Ethan's best friend for around 20 years already, he has seen Ethan at his best and at his worst. He has seen his eyes, as Ethan talked about Julia being killed, if he doesn't succeed - there was this mixture of fear, rage, hopelessness, but also fierce determination. Now, when Luther looked deep into the other's eyes, he didn't see anything - not a trace of emotion. It was like someone took the light of Ethan's life away, and he turned into a walking, talking machine.

But Luther wouldn't be Ethan's best friend, if he didn't see through the mask right into the other man's soul. A soul that cared so much, that lost too much, a soul in agonizing pain, wounds unable to heal anymore.

And the hardest part was not being able to help. The best he could do was to stay by Ethan's side, in case anything went south - more south than it already was. In the meantime, he exhausted his contacts throughout the world, and forged a new recognition program - gait analysis based on the security in Morocco Benji enthusiastically told him about, so that security cameras all around the world could catch up on their missing friend even if he wore a mask.

The older agent was aware, that Ethan blamed himself for Benji's disappearance, but that wasn't fair considering Luther was there as well, and could also have done the extraction Benji went out to do on that mission. But Luther wasn't the person to waste his time with "maybe" and "what-if", so he just stomped on that ugly feeling of guilt, and went on doing that he could do best - watching out for Ethan.

~~~

A thin file hit the glass table in front of Ethan. "As you may have heard, there was a hacker attack on one of our remote locations in Belarus an hour ago." Luther took place across the conference table in the IMF headquarters. "They didn't succeed, luckily, and I was able to track the signal back to that I believe is an isolated base in Kazakhstan. The signal broke up shortly after, so the satellite picture of the location is all I can offer you here."

Ethan carefully studied the file, though there wasn't much information in it. "We don't know who they are, or what exactly they wanted from our location in Belarus. They managed to secure their base against any access from the outside - no internet, no satellite phones, even their power is self-generated. The only way to say hallo to them is to go there in person and knock on their door."

"Did you get the go from the secretary?"

Luther gave him the look. "Our plane takes off in an hour."

~~~

The plan was for Ethan to infiltrate the base and to secure any information he could find on their computers, forward it to Luther via short air transmission. Luther, who would set up a hidden camp outside of the enemy's base, would send the data to IMF in order to let the ones above decide whether the enemy was to be eliminated, or to be tailed for further contacts.

From the moment the camp was set up, and to the point where Ethan informed the other that he found their computers, everything went like clockwork, and Luther allowed himself to relax, yet remaining curious about what was going to be forwarded to him any second.

The fact that they didn't have any information about the location apart from a pixilated satellite photo showing two buildings surrounded by a ten feet high wall in the middle of the woods should have given them a bad feeling about it, but they had it much worse, and Luther didn't expect anything to go wrong. That's why the sudden sound coming through the comm made Luther's heart skip a beat.

"Panther? What did you find?"

Heavy breathing was his answer.

"Panther, goddamn it!"

Suddenly, someone shouted and there was gunfire - both through the comm and to be heard from the base - mixed with Ethan screaming, and Luther was instantly moving.

His camp was set a few miles away from the base, and Luther would be damned if he didn't set a new personal record in running. The fighting sounds continued, which meant that Ethan was at least alive, even if he didn't answer, unless one would count furious growling as communication. It was so unlike Ethan, that Luther, already going at his limits, found the strength to speed up.

Moving from one tree to another, he got within sight of the walls of the enemy base. The guards were up in arms, shouting at each other, firing bursts of automatic gunfire into their camp. Apparently, there was a lot going on in the inner yard, and none of the guards paid attention what might come from the outside. Luther watched one of them fall off to the ground after having been shot, and decided to push his luck.

By the time he reached the top of the parapet, the gunfire died out. Luther observed the corpses of the guards lying around him and the corpses between the two concrete buildings. Upon careful observation, one of the buildings turned out to be a bunker, with only two floors above the ground. Ethan and whoever else caused this chaos and destruction were nowhere to be found.

The older agent stayed on alert, his gun drawn, and moved carefully down the stairs and into the yard, checking on the corpses on his way. Most showed gunshot wounds, some broken necks and knife wounds. Even after everything Luther has seen and was a part of, this gave him the chills. It looked too much like a massacre. He only hoped that Ethan was allright.

He decided to check out the other building that looked like it was an apartment block in its earlier life. Now there was a sniper's corpse hanging from one of the windows, and Luther soon found several computers in one of the rooms - or what was left of them anyway. And here was Luther, thinking that Ethan could secure at least some of the data before hell broke loose.

À propos: "Panther, where are you?! What the hell is going on?"

He didn't get an answer, but what Luther suddenly heard through the comm made him stop in his tracks.

~~~

Ethan was skilled in a lot of things, but computing wasn't his best forte. Prior to the mission Luther briefed him on the device he made specifically for this mission, specifically for Ethan. It was a small flash drive with a virus, what would automatically hack any computer it was connected with. Ethan then had to copy any relevant data onto it and manually initiate the transmission of the information over to Luther. The latter would then use their own equipment to send everything overseas to their headquarters. If the IMF gave its "go" to eliminate the enemy, Ethan wouldn't need to leave the base in order to execute the command.

The secret agent successfully infiltrated the base, moving silently between the inner wall and the back of the tall building - the only blind spot. Watching out for surveillance cameras, he quickly cut the glass and jumped inside. There should be the computer room somewhere, since their power generator was to the right of this building.

The few guards and a sniper clearly didn't expect anyone, relaxing over a card game in the second floor, leaving their computers alone in the other room. It was so easy.

Up until Ethan's device was done hacking one of the laptops, and he briefly skipped over the files. There was one quite heavy folder, and, expecting some valuable information, Ethan opened it. What he has seen instead made his blood run cold.

Distantly, he heard Luther in his ear, but he couldn't move, his eyes glued to the monitor.

For an agonizingly long moment he couldn't _breathe_.

Suddenly, a loud laugher from the other room drew his attention, and Ethan snapped back into place. His heart hammered against his ribcage, and he was seeing red.

In hindsight, Ethan didn't remember much after that. Everything was a blur, all-consuming rage pulsing through his veins, as he succumbed to a primal urge to _hurt and kill_ all of them down to the last man.

Breathless, he came to himself in the middle of the yard, covered in blood and surrounded by corpses, tears running down his face.

He turned around, facing the other building. Only two concrete floors above the ground and no windows, it had to be a bunker. Ignoring the handful injuries making themselves known, he walked, then jogged and, upon finding the right door to the underground, sprinted down the stairs.

**_"BENJI!"_**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone, who comments and leaves kudos! You guys are amazing! <3  
> I hope you'll enjoy!

"BENJI!"

Ethan was aware, that there might still be enemies down there, but he didn't care. He even wanted them to come out, so he could finish that he started. 

At the bottom of the stairs was another massive metal door, and he spent that felt like an eternity breaking the lock. His hands were shaking, and Ethan had to take a deep breath and force himself to focus.

Finally, the lock gave in, and the door swung open. Ethan ran along the narrow, dimly lit corridor like a twisted version of a rabbit's hole. One grill door after another, he peeked inside the cells and immediately moved on. His heart was beating in his throat, and each time he determined a cell to be empty, a ping of disappointment pierced through his stomach.

"BENJI!"

What if he isn't here? 

What if he mistook what he saw on that computer? 

What if he can't find him?

_What if he is already..._

Ethan stopped himself from thinking that. He firmly believed, that he was getting closer to Benji, because the alternative was... What he has seen was... 

He needed to find Benji. There was no other option. He refused to think about it and concentrated instead. For the first time in six months he was close to Benji, the other had to be here!

Suddenly, he stopped dead in his tracks. 

Behind the bars of the next cell there was someone lying on the hard ground, facing away. Ethan leaped forward, his eyes glued to the unmoving body, trying to make anything out in the semi-darkness.

_"Benji?!"_ This time Ethan almost whispered, his shaky hands rattling the bars, as if trying to break them by sheer power of will. "Benji?! Do you hear me?!"

Ethan wasn't even sure it was really Benji behind that door, but somehow he knew.

His hands already held the equipment and worked on the lock of the door, while he couldn't avert his eyes, didn't even dare to blink. Ethan felt like Benji could disappear, if he looked away.

Finally, the door was open and Ethan kneeled beside the unmoving body.

It was Benji. _His_ Benji.

For a horrifying second Ethan believed the other to be dead - _nonononopleaseno_ -, until his shaky fingers could make out a weak pulse, and Ethan let out a sigh of relief he didn't know he was holding.

Barefoot and topless, even in the dark Ethan could make out the wounds, bruises, blood and dirt all across Benji's body. His heart broke at the sight.

"Benji, please wake up!" Ethan's hands framed the other's face, caressing the dirty cheeks. The other's skin was unnaturally cold beneath Ethan's fingers. With the beard and the numerous worry lines all across Benji's face he looked 30 years older. "What did they do to you..?"

Well, Ethan knew - at least partially - what they did to Benji: he has seen the recordings on the laptop. Reminded of that, Ethan wished he could resurrect and kill these monsters again. Instead, he carefully leaned Benji's head against his shoulder, cradling the other in his arms. 

"Benji...please, come back to me..." He was barely whispering now, not knowing that he was crying until a single tear dropped on the unmoving face. "Benji..."

_What if it IS too late?_

Now that Ethan finally found Benji, what if it was too late? What if Benji was going to die any moment?

Ethan had to get him to the hospital immediately. He quickly stripped out of his jacket, and wrapped it around Benji's slim shoulders. Supporting his legs with one arm, he pressed the other's upper body against his chest, trying to move Benji as little as possible, since he couldn't evaluate all his injuries at this point. Ethan's own body cried out in pain, as he slowly lifted Benji off the floor, but he ignored it, moving back to the stairs. From now on all that mattered was the faint heartbeat of the man in his arms.

~~~

The comm broke off, and Luther had no way of confirming that what he heard wasn't his imagination or someone's trick. Could Benji really been here, down in that bunker? If yes, how long has he been there?.... Questions buzzing like bees in his head, the agent was acting out of pure instinct: calling their car over, dialing the IMF, recovering what remained of the computers.

"I repeat, we need medical assistance, level..." Luther considered for a moment: he didn't know which state Benji would be in - if he was alive at all! - but it wouldn't do any harm to order the most professional help, "...level 5 in area 4586."

He was listening closely to the person on the other end of the line. "Yes, if we need a level 5 medical assistance, that also means extraction team with medical transport! Yes, a cleanup team at the coordinates 782:412 would also be appreciated - there are more dead bodies over here than I can count! Over!" He cut the line and rubbed his temples for a second.

Opening the small gates, he went to recover what remained of the computers. In the meantime their car arrived in the middle of the yard - a spacious minivan, brand-new, but masterfully concealed under worn-out paint, so they won't draw any attention in this corner of the world. He threw his bags on the passenger's seat and turned around in time.

Ethan appeared in the entrance of the other building, holding someone in his arms. Luther had no doubt who it was, but he still gasped, the thought of Ethan finally - _finally!_ \- finding Benji settled in at last.

Luther's heart sank at the sight of Benji, unconscious and limp in Ethan's arms. A dozen questions burned at the tip of Luther's tongue, but he didn't dare opening his mouth. It was obvious, that happened to Benji, but Ethan didn't look much better than him.

"We need medical team..." 

"I already ordered one, but we need to get to area 4586 first. It's a hospital, the nearest one. IMF has contacted their man, we have to wait for extraction there."

Ethan didn't question it, just nodded in appreciation. His eyes were haunted, full of pain - as if he was the one having been tortured down there -, but Luther wasn't fooled - deep underneath there was fierce protectiveness in the way Ethan carefully yet firmly held the other's body close, his whole stance shielding the other from the world. And danger - Luther decided that he wouldn't want to switch places with whoever might get in Ethan's way right now.

Opening the rear door for them, Luther let Ethan climb inside, before taking the driver's seat. Ethan laid Benji down across the rear seats, carefully placing the other's head in his lap. 

Luther didn't waste any time, maneuvering around potholes on the forest track to the hospital. In the rearview mirror, Ethan was hovering over the other, pressing their foreheads together. 

_"Benji... please, wake up,"_ he whispered brokenly, while heavy raindrops started hitting the windshield.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than the previous, but it made sense to cut it here. I already work on the next chapter, so it won't be too long from now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much for everyone, who left kudos and comments! I appreciate this so much!  
> I think there is also an apology due, since the last update was quite a while. I hope the length of this chapter will make up for the delay - at least a little. If you want to know more about the reasons it took me so goddamn long to write this chapter, see the note at the end of the chapter.  
> Enjoy!

Luther nervously shifted in his seat, while Ethan leaned against the wall next to an open door and didn’t take his eyes off of what happened in the room.

The IMF contact did a good job: the doctor at this derelict hospital in the middle of nowhere already waited for them and didn’t ask any questions, as Ethan carefully lifted Benji from the van and placed him on the cot. The paramedics made an attempt to intervene, but Ethan’s single glare was enough for them to let him do as he saw fit. As they rolled the cot with unconscious Benji down the hall, Ethan didn’t leave Benji's side, walking right next to them, but as soon as they passed the door to the exam room, the doctor calmly blocked Ethan’s way.

“You’ll be in our way. Please wait outside.” Despite Ethan’s perfect Russian, the words didn’t register. The paramedics moved Benji around the corner, so Ethan couldn't see him anymore, and the man was in his way…

Luther’s hand on Ethan’s shoulder saved the doctor. “C'mon, let these people work.” He pulled the younger agent back towards the waiting room. Ethan turned around, a dangerous fire dancing in his eyes.

“I already lost him once, if you think I’ll let him out of my sight again, you don’t know me.”

Luther sighed, then turned to the doctor. “Can you leave the door open?”

The doctor - a man aged around fifty, radiating a reassuring sense of calm - only nodded, before turning his back on them and disappearing into the room. Ethan immediately moved to the right of the door, the only point from where he could see Benji on the cot, being tended to by one paramedic and the doctor. His eyes followed every single of their movements, ready to intervene at any moment.

“Panther, what happened back there?” Luther carefully avoided using their real names.

Ethan didn’t answer, and didn’t avert his gaze from Benji. He knew, that he had to deal with the consequences of that he did back there sooner or later, and he was fine with lying in his report, did it many times already, but he hated lying to his loyal friends. Friends who would stand by him - and did so numerous times! -, even in the face of IMF itself.

“Don’t have to tell me, I just need to know what to write in my report, so mine and yours match, you know.”

There was a long silence, before Ethan spoke.

“I found their computers. Searched for any useful information.” Telling Luther this felt like pulling a rotten tooth - painful to think about, but sharing it lightened the burden. “They… they recorded everything they did to him…” Ethan’s voice broke.

Everyone involved in that was already dead, he made sure of that, but nevertheless, the scorching fury beneath his skin overtook him whenever he thought about the recordings. Ethan’s hands trembled, the urge to _hurt_ still there, though faded into the background. He took a deep breath.

Ironically, his worst nightmare and at the same time his biggest hope turned out to be true. All this time Benji was alive, but what he was going through… It was unfair. Ethan was the one who fucked up a simple mission, Ethan broke his promise to protect Benji _again_ , yet Benji had to suffer for it. Like always, when Ethan fucked up, his beloved ones paid the prize.

“Hey,” Luther’s voice pulled Ethan out of his thoughts. The other agent stood in front of him, his hands on Ethan’s shoulders. “You found him, he is safe now, and soon we’ll be back home, allright?”

“Well, we are not safe yet.” Ethan looked over his shoulder into the room, where the doc checked Benji’s eyes with a flashlight, and a paramedic bandaged his wrist.

“The extraction team will be over here in a couple of hours, I think the two of us will manage until when,” Luther looked at the other reassuringly, for which Ethan was thankful.

~~~

Luther spectacularly failed to convince Ethan to show his own injuries to the med stuff around, but he still made Ethan leave his post at the door for the whole five minutes in order to get some snacks from the vending machine, while Benji was x-rayed. Up until now they were left in the dark about Benji’s condition, and though Ethan couldn’t stand the uncertainty, he didn’t interfere with the doctor’s work.

Finally, the paramedics rolled Benji out of the x-ray chamber, and the doctor came up to the two of them. Ethan jumped up from his seat.

“I don’t want to know, what happened to him. He is in a bad condition - broken leg and wrist, several broken ribs, several internal and external injuries, dehydration and hypothermia, and a possible concussion, which I cannot either confirm or deny without a more detailed examination, but he is at least stable for now,” Ethan felt the tension, that built up during the doctor’s speech fall off him at the last words. “He is still unconscious, but you may wait with him for your friends.”

Ethan didn’t need to be told twice. The room where they placed Benji was rather sparsely arranged - with two chairs, a small bedside table and a wardrobe. Benji laid on the same cot, his left leg was in plaster, and his wrist above the covers was bandaged, just like his head and his upper arm. Most of the dirt was gone from his skin, and a catheter led from his arm to the IV bag on the other side of the cot. Benji’s old clothes were gone, replaced by a white pajamas, and he looked so peaceful just laying there absolutely motionless, that Ethan thought for one agonizingly long moment, that Benji was already dead, despite that the doctor just told him. In a swift motion he was at his side.

Benji’s chest rose and fell ever so lightly, barely noticeable. Ethan let out a sigh of relief and took the other in: beneath sunken eyes surrounded by deep wrinkles, the long beard, and bruises and cuts all over his skin there was the Benji that was engraved into Ethan’s memory. He carefully brought his hand up and brushed away some strands of hair falling into Benji’s face, taking in the misleadingly peaceful expression. Ethan knew it was an illusion, but nevertheless helped him to turn away from that happened, and finally think about that was - hopefully! - going to happen: them returning home, Benji properly taken care of. Benji coming back.

_Benji coming back to him._

Not that he deserved it. Ethan was directly responsible for that happened to Benji, there was no denying that. Would Benji hate him, once he woke up? He certainly should, even though the prospect made Ethan wince in pain. But it was about Benji, about him getting better and returning to his life, and even if Benji hated him, so be it. Ethan knew that this wouldn’t change how he felt about Benji: he would always wish for the other to get better, to overcome what happened, to be happy eventually. And if Benji wanted him to be around after all of this - as small as this hope was, after Ethan fucked it up so spectacularly -, Ethan would be there for him as long as Benji wanted.

~~~

He startled awake from a restless sleep in the chair besides Benji. The other was still unconscious, and Ethan moved his chair closer to the cot and carefully placed his hand above Benji’s, minding the wrist and the bandaged fingers. Ethan did hope Benji will be able to type soon enough. Working with computers was such a big part of Benji’s life and personality, that the idea of his fingers being irreparably damaged terrified Ethan.

Feather-light touch brushed over cold skin between the bandages. As a spy Ethan was schooled on many things, among them the basics of PTSD, since that was more likely in his line of work than in any other, and he suspected that being touched wouldn’t be high on Benji’s wish list, if he happened to wake up right now, but he couldn’t stop himself - he needed to reassure himself that Benji was really here, and it wasn’t an elaborate, hyper-realistic dream.

Luther’s steps warned Ethan and he pulled his hand away, before the other entered the room. 

“How’s he?” the other agent kept his voice low.

Ethan shook his head, and Luther cast Benji a worried look. “The extraction team’s gonna take a little longer, due to the bad weather. You should take a nap in a real bed for a moment, I’ll keep an eye on him for you.”

“This chair is comfortable enough.”

“Do you want something to eat? Their snacks taste like shit, but…” 

“Thanks, but no." Ethan wasn't even a little bit hungry.

Luther glared disapprovingly at his partner for a moment before retreating. Ethan turned back to Benji, when he suddenly picked up on something - Benji’s eyes frantically moved beneath closed eyelids. 

Immediately on his feet, Ethan hovered over him.

"Benji!? Do you hear me?"

His heart was beating in his throat, as he watched Benji's face turn into a grimace. He must been having a nightmare. "Benji!", in a frantic attempt to wake the other from the nightmare, Ethan grabbed his shoulders. "Wake up!"

Benji's eyelids slowly flattered open, his gaze unfocused and dizzy at first. A moment later, his eyes flew open, taking the man above him in, _recognizing_ him. 

That followed next burned itself into Ethan's memory for the rest of his life. 

Looking up at Ethan, Benji panicked, his face a mixture of terror, pain and... hatred. He tried to wind himself from Ethan's touch despite his injuries, and winced in agony. Shocked at the reaction, Ethan intuitively pulled his hands away. "Benji, it's me!..."

"Stay away from me!" Ethan barely recognized the coarse voice. "You still trying to trick me with that masquerade?!..." Benji tried to pull himself up and away from 

Ethan like a trapped animal, and the sight broke Ethan's heart. _Why are you...?_

Benji's injured hand slipped away from underneath him and he fell back on the bed, his face painfully contorted. "Benji! Calm down! You are hurt!..." Ethan instinctively reached out to him, afraid that he might fall off the small cot. Benji flinched at the movement and his other arm immediately flew up in defense, as if he expected a blow from the man above him.

Ethan froze in shock.

The next moment two paramedics and the doctor charged into the room, pushing Ethan away. They held Benji down, as he struggled in panic, and he let out a helpless whimper - a sound that went under Ethan's skin and urged him to _protect Benji don't let them hurt him don't_ but Ethan could only watch in shock, as the doctor conjured up a syringe and swiftly emptied its content into Benji's vein. Still struggling against the paramedics, Benji turned his head to the side, looking directly at Ethan, hatred and fear in his eyes. As the sedative started to work, Benji went limp, fighting against it in vain with a haunted expression, until his eyes fell shut.

~~~

Luther burst into the room, as Benji was already unconscious again. The paramedics retreated, while the doctor performed a check on him. Ethan was standing with his back against the wall, clearly in shock, staring at Benji, deaf for everything else around him. 

"Hey! What happened?" as Ethan didn't answer, Luther put a hand on his shoulder, and the other immediately jumped, startled by the touch.

"What happened, Panther?" he didn't like Ethan's disoriented look. 

"Your friend woke up and had to be sedated, otherwise he'd worsened his injuries," the doctor answered from beside the cot. Luther, being able to read between the lines, shook his head, and regarded Benji with worry. They needed to get back overseas as soon as possible.

One of the paramedics came back, and handed the doctor a pair of arm restraints. Ethan immediately moved closer to Benji, his stern look of disapproval speaking volumes. The doctor caught his gaze.

"These are necessary, I'm afraid. The effect of the sedative should remain for around five hours, but just in case he'd wake up before that, we need to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. God knows he has enough injuries already."

For a moment Ethan didn't look like he'd let the doctor restrain Benji, but then his shoulders slumped and without a single word he left the room.

Luther decided that his partner needed some time alone, and moved closer to the cot with the unconscious Benji. "You knew this would happen, right?"

“I said I didn’t want to know what happened to him. Doesn’t mean I didn’t have a pretty good idea,” the doctor carefully strapped Benji's lower arms and secured them on the railings of the cot, making sure that the handcuffs aren't too tight or too loose at the same time. The restraints were made of leather and covered a bigger area, so what they didn't cut into the flesh, if the patient were to struggle. The doctor then pulled five other syringes with needles covered with plastic caps out of his pocket and handed them to Luther. "You'll need them. Five hours each, remember." Luther nodded in appreciation, and the doctor went his way. 

Luther pulled Benji's disheveled blanket up to the other's shoulders. _We are going to get you back on track, buddy, don't worry._ With a deep sigh he took a seat in Ethan's chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter!  
> If I got any of the med stuff wrong, I apologize! I am in no way experienced in medical stuff, and as I came to the point where I had to look up a lot regarding Benji's medical condition, I came to the point where I questioned literally everything I wrote, and I needed to take a break to regain my inspiration. At the end I kept the medical stuff to a minimum, I hope that the chapter still sounds somewhat plausible. If I made some grave mistakes, please leave a comment and I'd work with it! Thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will have a happy ending, but the road until then will be a rocky one.  
> Inspired by the song "Hymn For The Missing" by RED.


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